The "thick chick"

So when I began this blog I touched on my past and why fitness had become such an important staple in my life. Eating disorders are running rampant in this day and age and I was one the many who fell victim to this viscous cycle of insecurity and unhealthy patterns. I am leery about sharing my story for many reasons, first of all let me be honest...telling others how I used to shovel food down my throat then run to the bathroom to vomit it all up isn't exactly a flattering story to tell about yourself. I also don't want to give this battle any sense of an identity. By saying that I mean that it is in my past and I want it to stay there, the person I was during that time in my life is "just somebody that I used to know."  The Amanda I like to see myself as is the loud mouth, big personality, huge heart, who loves her life her family and would do anything for anyone. The person I was during this struggle was self absorbed, selfish and sick literally and figuratively. That being said please let it be known I do not want this to glorify myself or my accomplishments, I want this story to show YOU that you can do anything you want to with the right determination and your faith in Jesus. SO here goes nothin'! 

The first time I binged and purged I was thirteen years old. I remember coming home from a church event in which I had over indulged in hot dogs, and a plethora of other junk foods. I remember feeling relieved and a sense of freedom by making myself throw up. Gross right? But it made me feel in control and it let me take control of a situation I felt was spiraling out of control: my weight. Let me start by saying I was never a "thin" girl, so today when I have people refer to me as being "tiny" or "small" it takes me aback. But once I began to hit puberty my self-esteem plummeted and my number on the scale started soaring. I remember through out youth groups, and high school classes being referred to as "a thick chick", "the bigger girl", or having "more to love." Teenagers are cruel and brutally honest. So began a very long struggle with vomiting, and starving myself. Ridiculous diets including but not limited to the Adkins diet, juice diets, cottage cheese diets, and whatever else I could find on the Internet. I am now going to post some not so flattering pictures of me during those years when I was dying to be thin and ruining my metabolism and health in the process.... 

At my heaviest I ranged between 175-180 I am now ranging between 123-126. At five foot six that is a good happy weight. I train five to six days a week. I mix running, interval training, and weights with a balanced diet plan I believe I have finally mastered a way to battle my issues with food. That being said I would like to insert a little motivational sign I keep on my phone.  

Please don't think there still aren't days I struggle, I have days when I want to starve myself and days I want to binge out on anything fried and sugar filled that I can find. The difference between then and now is that I know it is a cycle, I know that it is a mind over matter situation. I mean it is food, it is not rocket science and it does not require the over thinking that I give it sometimes. Food was created to nourish our bodies not to become an idle or fixation. Many times we base our emotions on food. The more hateful comments I had thrown my way about being the "thick chick", the more I started to believe it and started to comfort myself with food. Now when I am hurt or upset I release my emotions into working out. I take all the bad memories and fire it into where I see myself going and what I want out of my body, after all it is the only one I will ever have...here is a few pictures I took today so you can see what dedication leads to... 

Even now I have people who think I am too thin or imply that I may not eat, however I can assure you, you can not build muscle without plenty of food and protein. I work hard, I have long term and short term goals. But most importantly I am human and I make mistakes but I don't run to the toilet to puke those mistakes out anymore. The thing is starving yourself and purging causes your metabolism to slow drastically therefore it clings to any and everything you put in your body. Your hundred calorie pack of cookies may be just one hundred calories but there are artificial sweeteners and a plethora of other chemicals that are not being used to nourish your body. You need to  feed your body to perform. Spice up your recipes, I try any and everything new I can find it is all about getting creative. Finally the thing that drives me the most.... 

Two precious little girls that need a mommy and a role model. If I show them that unhealthy eating habits and being obsessive about your weight is ok, then they will grow up thinking they are never good enough. What I hope to teach each and everyone my kids, my family, and my friends is this: Being healthy is far more important than being skinny. Dedication will make you succeed. How bad do you want it? Do you want to hang out in your stretchy pants because your jeans don't fit, or do you want to suck it up for twenty minutes and feel better for the next 24 hours? It hurts at times, there are days it is the LAST thing I want to do, but I have come to far to fall back now. There IS a light at the end of this tunnel, keep running for it, and when it gets hard and you want to quit...take a breather and then SPRINT for it. You are so much stronger than you realize! Until next time- Amanda